Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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