WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We named our party play list daddy issues
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
he had hair everywhere except his balls
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
