im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
