I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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