I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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