you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
