Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
