i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
