??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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