Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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