Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
