So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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