When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
