There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
