i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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