oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
