i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
