When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
