how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
