I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
