maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
