Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
