Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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