i love accidental penises.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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