my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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