checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
