Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
