dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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