he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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