just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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