we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
