In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
