Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
