I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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