you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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