imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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