pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Randomize
