I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
