I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
