those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
