i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Randomize
