Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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