Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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