Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
