my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
