i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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