I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
