you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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