she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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