dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
