Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
