just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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