New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
